Posts Tagged "accepting loss"

God Inflicts Anger

»Posted on Nov 25, 2009 in BLOG, Coping With Loss, Death Of Spouse, DROP DEAD LIFE, Sudden Death | 0 comments

I walk out of the closet, my arms full of Erik’s shirts, all still on hangers. My 8-month-pregnant belly acts as a shelf, enabling me to carry more. “I hope you’re alright with this,” I say to my brother, Troy. “That you don’t think it’s weird I’m giving you Erik’s stuff.” I pile the shirts on top of my bed, the white plastic hangers clinking together like falling dominoes. “No, I don’t think it’s weird, as long as you’re fine, as long as you feel ready,” Troy holds up a navy blue button-down. “This one will definitely fit.” “Erik would be really happy you had these, I’m sure of it.” It hasn’t even been three weeks since the blood trickled down the side of my husband’s mouth...

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Death Caused by Thoughts?

»Posted on Sep 15, 2009 in BLOG, Death Of Spouse, DROP DEAD LIFE, Parenting & Loss, Sex For Widows, Sudden Death | 0 comments

I folded our warm white towels while Tatiana, only twelve months old then, napped in her bedroom. Erik and I had been married just over two years and, already, I was four months pregnant with our second daughter, Keira. Erik and I both felt the same intense love for Tatiana and were excited to have another baby right away. But there was no excitement in the house that day. The house was quiet, except for the annoyed thoughts I could hear myself thinking about Erik. Sick of his crap. We had not been speaking to each other for hours. I stacked the towels neatly into the closet, passing Erik in the hall. I did not look at his brown eyes or admire his thick black hair. Instead, I grabbed a new set of sheets and I walked away from him, into our bedroom. Erik...

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Erik Grieve 1973 – 2003, Life is Not About the Dates on Either Side, But the Hyphen in Between

»Posted on Sep 7, 2009 in BLOG, Coping With Loss, Death Of Spouse, DROP DEAD LIFE, Parenting & Loss, Sudden Death | 0 comments

I walked in slow-motion towards Erik’s closed, mahogany casket. The old stone chapel was filled with familiar faces. There were faces from Skywalker Ranch and other Lucas parties, faces I had photographed in my studio, faces from my bridal shower, my wedding, and Tatiana’s birth. I kept my head down. As the pregnant widow, all eyes were on me, but I did not want to be seen. Direct eye contact would break me open in a way that I would not be ready to be broken open for years. Dressed in an ankle-length maternity skirt, long-sleeve black shirt, and the comfortable three-inch heels that had taken me hours to find just the day before, I sat in the front pew. My brother, Troy, and his wife, Jen, sat next to me. Only ten feet separated us from the blanket of...

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After-life Connection

»Posted on Aug 16, 2009 in BLOG, Coping With Loss, Death Of Spouse, DROP DEAD LIFE, Sudden Death | 0 comments

I stretched out on the green velvet couch, my legs resting in Carlyn’s lap. My statue of Quan Yin, the Goddess of Compassion, hovered above us, on the fireplace mantle. Quan Yin was peaceful and wise—exactly what I strived to be—her stone arms out in front of her, her hands open wide. The light from the candles illuminated Carlyn’s long, curly brown hair. Her green eyes connected with mine. We were present, no lies between us, no false pretense. Carlyn spoke softly. “I keep seeing his face . . . Erik’s face.” I stared at her, blankly, and said nothing. “Over your shoulder, his eyes looking at me. Do you see him like that?” “No,” I told her. “I haven’t seen him or felt him since just a couple of weeks after...

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