Posts Tagged "grief"

Birth of a Fatherless Child

»Posted on Sep 17, 2009 in BLOG, Death Of Spouse, DROP DEAD LIFE, Parenting & Loss | 0 comments

My body is as still as a corpse while my obstetrician shaves the rest of my pubic hair, so that she can neatly slice my womb open. I stare at my right hand, into the dark eyes of the black and white photograph I am holding of my husband, Erik. I study his black hair, his defined jaw, his young 29-year-old skin, probing his face for answers, but the picture has no reply. He should be here. How can he not be here for Keira’s birth? Instead, my mom positions herself to the right of the steel operating table, a piece of her curly black hair straying from her cap. Mom speaks in a whisper. “I am going to be next to you the whole time.” She lightly intertwines her fingers with mine, leaving enough space for Erik’s photograph. I strain my neck...

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Erik Grieve’s Easter Sunday Request

»Posted on Aug 31, 2009 in BLOG, Death Of Spouse, DROP DEAD LIFE, Parenting & Loss, Sex For Widows | 0 comments

I admired Erik in the shower that Easter Sunday morning. Salt and pepper hair. Deep brown eyes. Broad masculine shoulders covered by smooth olive skin. Steam had filled the bathroom, like the fog that frequently hovered over the Golden Gate Bridge. I could only see parts of his body through the hazy, glass shower doors. He sat against the corner of the tub, as he always did, carefully scraping the skin off of his well-manicured feet. I pulled out an assortment of maternity clothes from the closet and set them on the bathroom counter. Knowing we’d be taking tons of family photos during Tatiana’s first real Easter egg hunt, I wanted to look better than I felt at seven months pregnant. “Ugh!” I groaned. Erik turned off the shower, dried himself,...

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After-life Connection

»Posted on Aug 16, 2009 in BLOG, Coping With Loss, Death Of Spouse, DROP DEAD LIFE, Sudden Death | 0 comments

I stretched out on the green velvet couch, my legs resting in Carlyn’s lap. My statue of Quan Yin, the Goddess of Compassion, hovered above us, on the fireplace mantle. Quan Yin was peaceful and wise—exactly what I strived to be—her stone arms out in front of her, her hands open wide. The light from the candles illuminated Carlyn’s long, curly brown hair. Her green eyes connected with mine. We were present, no lies between us, no false pretense. Carlyn spoke softly. “I keep seeing his face . . . Erik’s face.” I stared at her, blankly, and said nothing. “Over your shoulder, his eyes looking at me. Do you see him like that?” “No,” I told her. “I haven’t seen him or felt him since just a couple of weeks after...

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Pushing Through Grief

»Posted on Apr 28, 2009 in BLOG, Coping With Loss, DROP DEAD LIFE | 0 comments

How did the happiest day turn out to be the saddest day? How do I go there? How do I tell my story—our story—when I must feel so much pain to tell it completely? Sitting still long enough to write about it means acknowledging the ache, the low-grade hum of this relentless grief. It is a hurt I have never known. Yet how do I describe such pain without describing the happiness? Without that happiness, I would be left with nothing. I moved the girls to Florida, to be closer to my family. This house is mine, I think. This skin holds my body, but this body does not feel mine. To feel my body, this house, would be to feel reality and, this, I am afraid to do. Today, for the first time, I woke up looking for Erik next to me in my bed and, of course, he wasn’t...

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